20 May 2005

Oh Captain, my Captain

A friend emailed me this and I could not have said it better myself:

Oh Captain, My Captain!

Our glorious leader, George “the Hypocrite” Bush, stating that he does not support “science which destroys life in order to save life, I'm against that,” has announced his plans to veto any bill that contains provisions for expanded stem cell research to be funded with tax dollars. Such a proposal is likely to appear on his desk sometime next week.

Apparently old Georgie doesn’t mind wars that take life to support life, though. Since there have been no WMDs found in Iraq – ostensibly WMDs were the reason for the invasion and subsequent war there, since none of the identified 9/ll hijackers were Iraqi – the current excuse for the Iraqi debacle is that Saddam Hussein was a tyrant who was torturing and killing his own people, and we needed to get rid of him in order to save Iraqi lives and allow them to “choose” democracy as their form of government.

Since we have been militarily engaged in Iraq,
1,627 Americans
88 Britons
10 Bulgarians
1 Dane
2 Dutch
2 Estonians
1 Hungarian
21 Italians
1 Kazakh
1 Latvian
17 Poles
1 Salvadoran
3 Slovaks
11 Spaniards
2 Thai
and 189 Ukrainians have been killed in the war in Iraq as of May 19, 2005. These figures do not account for non-military deaths of Iraqi civilians and others, such as contract workers, aid volunteers etc. who have been slaughtered in GWB’s holy war for “democracy” (read “oil”).

So I guess, according to Bush, the possibility of enhancing and saving lives through stem cell research is immoral, but causing the deaths of thousands of people for one’s own greed and lust for power and control is perfectly OK.

Methinks GWB’s moral compass is a tad off course, perhaps from all that hot air blowing directly at him from the far right. He has seized the wheel of the Ship of State and is steering our country into ever more dangerous waters. Somebody toss me a lifejacket!

17 May 2005


A step-by- step guide to re-installing love on the human machine. (heart, mind & soul)

~ Customer talking to Tech Support:

Customer: I'm not very technical, but I think I
am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let me see... I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Tech Support: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase
PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs.

LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed in the first place.

Can you turn those off. please?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me

Tech Support: Yes, I can. Go to your Start menu and invoke
FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, now I've done that. WOW... LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes it is. You should receive a message that
says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed already?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the "upgrades".

Customer: Oops... I have an error message already. What should I do?

Tech Support: What does the message say?

Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?

Tech Support: Don't worry, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART.

It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means - "you have to 'LOVE' your own machine before it can "LOVE" others."

Customer: So what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Ummm... yes, I see it now.

Tech Support: Excellent... you are getting good at this!

Customer: Thank you.

Tech Support: You're welcome. Please, right-click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory:


The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming.

Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone... and never comes back.

Customer: Got it! Hey... My HEART is filling up with really neat files.

SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are duplicating themselves all over the place!

Tech Support: Now LOVE is installed... and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go...

Customer: Yes?

Tech Support: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to share it and its
various modules to everybody you can. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you so very much for your help.

Tech Support: My pleasure. Someone helped me too when I was new at all of this.

Have a great day!

-- Unknown

02 May 2005

The color test

My dad sent this. I scored 88% on my first try.

The Color Test


How well did you do?


another one from my dad:


While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on
the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the
car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love(?),
asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher,"
she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?" "A rectum stretcher!" She replied.

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Asked the Cop.
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I
work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot azzh*le?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
Look on Cop's Face...........PRICELESS

A farmer has three sons.

From my dad:

A farmer has three sons.

One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, "Son, come with me."

He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."

The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle.

Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that tractor is paid for.."

Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.

Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!"

The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for. "