30 June 2005

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're, a mile away and
you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put back in your pocket.

17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
works.

20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips
are moving.

21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass.
things get worse.

24. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

25. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

26. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it
too seriously.

27. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

28. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

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