14 November 2004

Cat Lover or Not

Growing up, we always had dogs. We loved our dogs, and my dad was a dog person. He did not like cats. So now, I have 3 cats living with me. I guess that is why my dad emailed this to me:

Subject: CAT LOVER OR NOT

SOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!

Cat Lover or not this is hysterical!
We've all had trouble with our animals,
but I don't think anyone can top this one:


Calling in sick to work makes me
uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the
feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid
reason but lied anyway,
because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I
had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would
feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a
doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had
given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the
new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower
after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead
again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I
protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if
it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then,
"C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck
naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about
how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I
squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last
action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any
respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing
me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered
the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had
been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control
orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the
full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a
"fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this
from experience. I was fleeing straight up into
the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The
impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics
stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than
finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of
"been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were
all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct
their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... ...and
not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days
later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to
coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming
it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

11 November 2004

Breast Cancer

My husband forwarded this to me. It is a moving story, and an important issue that I hope we all sign the petition so women with breast cancer can get the help they need. Thank you.

From: xxx
Sent: Wednesday, November 10, 2004 12:14 PM
To: xxx
Subject: FW: Breast cancer bill - VIP


xxx,
Please forward this on to the Department, this is near and dear to me
with my Wife and Daughter both having breast cancer. When you remove the
lymph nodes, which is usually done with both a mastectomy and lumptectomy,
which regulates/controls the water in your system it takes a while for your
body to adjust. During this period I had to change my wife's dressings four
times a day including at lunch time. The drain tube was on the back of her
shoulder and had to be done by someone else. The risk of infection is high
and with the removal of the lymphs, the body's ability to fight infection is
greatly reduced. Please take a moment click on the site and register.

Thanks Very Much
xxx

-----Original Message-----
From: xxx
Sent: Tuesday, November 09, 2004 9:17 AM
To: xxx
Subject: Breast cancer bill - VIP


This is top priority!! Don't delete it without
voting.

Breast Cancer Hospitalization Bill -
Important legislation for all women.

Please send this to everyone in your address book.
If there was ever a time when our voices and choices
should be heard, this is one of those times. If you
are receiving this it's because I think you will
take the 30 seconds to go and vote on this
issue...and send it on to others you know who will
do the same.

There's a bill called the Breast Cancer Patient
Protection Act which will require insurance
companies to cover a minimum 48-hour hospital stay
for patients undergoing a mastectomy. It's about
eliminating the "drive-through mastectomy" where
women are forced to go home hours after surgery
against the wishes of their doctor; still groggy
from anesthesia and sometimes with drainage tubes
still attached.

Lifetime Television has put this bill on their web
page with a petition drive to show your support.
Last year over half the House signed on.
PLEASE!!!! Sign the petition by clicking on the web
site below and help women living with breast cancer
get the care they need and deserve!! There is no
cost or monetary pledge involved. You need not give
more than your name and zip code number.


http://www.lifetimetv.com/health/breast_mastectomy_pledge.html


This takes about 2 seconds. PLEASE PASS THIS ON.
THANKS

08 November 2004

I just got this in the email from my dad. I love it, so I am sharing it:

FOR ALL YOU LEXOPHILE'S (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana. (Groucho Marx)

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts;
In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat minor.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

12. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia:
the LAN down under.

15. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. Every calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

25. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair
she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

04 November 2004

Oh So True

Here is an adorable email I received from a retired neighbor:


Oh So True

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC

Subject: A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee

It is 2 days after the election and I am still depressed over how the entire fiasco was handled. People having to wait 9 hours in line to be able to vote, voters being turned away, voting places running out of provential voting tickets hours before the booths closed, and worse of all, the way the news handled it...obviously extremely biased towards candidates and predicting winners while people were STILL voting. Personally, I think the news should be banned from reporting the outcome until ALL VOTES are counted, which they were NOT.

Well, today, my neighbor emailed me this which is really nice:

Subject: A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee


You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again. A young
woman
went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so
hard
for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to
give
up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem
was
solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and
placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first
she
placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she
placed
ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In
about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots
out
and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a
bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, Tell me, what do you see? Carrots,
eggs, and coffee, she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked
her
to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother
then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off
the
shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the
daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich
aroma. The daughter then asked, What does it mean, mother?

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same
adversity. Boiling water and each reacted differently. The carrot went
in
strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the
boiling
water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin
outer
shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the
boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were
unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed
the
water. Which are you? she asked her daughter.

When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a
carrot, an
egg, or a coffee bean? Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that
seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and
lose
my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but
changes
with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup,
a
financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and
stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough
with a
stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean
actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the
pain.
When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you
are
like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change
the
situation around you.

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you
elevate
yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a
carrot,
an egg, or a coffee bean? Count your blessings, not your problems......
Putting others first makes relationships last. Moments in Life - There
are
moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick
them from your dreams and hug them for real! Don't go for looks; they
can
deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who
makes
you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
Look for the one who puts the smile on your heart.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make
you
strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you
happy.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they
just make the most of everything that comes along their way. When you
were
born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your
life
so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is
crying.