20 April 2004

MEMO TO THE FAMILY DOG and CAT:

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It
does not mean switch positions with each other so
there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your
food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food.
(Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my
dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find
it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not
a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster
than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.
Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping
animals can actually curl up in a ball. So it is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom
alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage
to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine,
meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge
and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been
using the bathroom for years.. canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not
funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a
chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter
how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad
face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of
trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The
face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it
was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich
is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and
then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in
history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go
lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on
our front door:


Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and complain about
our pets:


1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's is an adopted
child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is
speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
are easier to train, usually come when called, don't
ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out
with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about
the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't
need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.

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