31 March 2004

A scary web sight

www.bushflash.com/faith.html

Note: this information should be useful to voters in the 2004 election.

just so you know:

I attacked and took over 2 countries.

I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the US Treasury.

I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history (not easy!).

I set an economic record for the most personal bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.

I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock market.

In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history (tough to beat my dad's, but I did).

After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.

I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president in US history.

In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.

I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in US history.

I set the all-time record for most real estate foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.

I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president, since the advent of TV.

I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other US president in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.

I cut health care benefits for war veterans.

I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.

I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history.

Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (The poorest multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.)

I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.

I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.

I am the first president in US history to order a US attack AND military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the vast majority of the international community.

I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States, called the "Bureau of Homeland Security"(only one letter away from BS).

I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in US history (Ronnie was tough to beat, but I did it!!).

I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations to remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.

I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.

I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.

I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant. I withdrew from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allowed inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.

I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.

The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.

I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.

I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.

I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations bidding for gov't contracts.

I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.

I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES: I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).

I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time of war.

I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use. (wink,wink)

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

With Love,
GEORGE W. BUSH
The White House, Washington, DC
Note: this information should be useful to voters in the 2004 election.
Circulate to as many citizens you think would be helped to be reminded about
this record

HOW COULD 50 STATES BE WRONG?

I got this from my cousin. Actually, I am a firm believer in the separation of church and state since there are churches that have greatly set back science, ie. The catholic church when the imprisioned Galalleo for proclaiming the earth was round. When I read the argument, I thought, many of these are prayers. So in my opinion do not make a good argument. But I will let you decide:

Somewhere along the way, the Federal Courts and the Supreme Court
have misinterpreted the U. S. Constitution. How could fifty States be wrong?


THIS IS VERY INTERESTING! America's founders did not intend for there
to be a separation of God and state, as shown by the fact that all 50 states acknowledge God in their state constitutions:


Alabama 1901, Preamble. We the people of the State of Alabama,
invoking the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the
following Constitution

Alaska 1956, Preamble. We, the people of Alaska, grateful to God
and to those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land ...

Arizona 1911, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Arizona,
grateful to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution...

Arkansas 1874, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Arkansas,
grateful to Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form
of government...

California 1879, Preamble. We, the People of the State of California,
grateful to Almighty God for our freedom ...

Colorado 1876, Preamble. We, the people of Colorado, with profound
reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe.

Connecticut 1818, Preamble. The People of Connecticut,
acknowledging with gratitude the good Providence of God in permitting them to enjoy ...

Delaware 1897, Preamble. Through Divine Goodness all men have, by
nature, the rights of worshipping and serving their Creator according to
the dictates of their consciences ...

Florida 1885, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Florida,
grateful to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty . establish this Constitution...

Georgia 1777, Preamble. We, the people of Georgia, relying upon
protection and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish
this Constitution...

Hawaii 1959, Preamble. We, the people of Hawaii, Grateful for
Divine Guidance ... establish this Constitution.

Idaho 1889, Preamble. We, the people of t! he State of Idaho,
grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings ...

Illinois 1870, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Illinois,
grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious
liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy and looking to Him for
a blessing on our endeavors.

Indiana 1851, Preamble. We, the People of the State of Indiana,
grateful to Almighty God for the free exercise of the right to chose our
form of government.

Iowa 1857, Preamble. We, the People of the State of Iowa, grateful
to the Supreme Being for the blessings hitherto enjoyed, and feeling our
dependence on Him for a continuation of these blessings . establish
this Constitution

Kansas 1859, Preamble. We, the people of Kansas, grateful to
Almighty God for our civil and religious privileges . establish this Constitution.

Kentucky 1891, Preamble. We, the people of the Commonwealth of
grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties...

Louisiana 1921, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Louisiana,
grateful to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties we enjoy.

Maine 1820, Preamble. We the People of Maine acknowledging with
grateful hearts the goodness of_the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe in
affording us an opportunity ... and imploring His aid and direction.

Maryland 1776, Preamble. We, the people of the state of Maryland,
grateful to Almighty God or our civil and religious liberty...


Massachusetts 1780, Preamble. We...the people of Massachusetts,
acknowledging with grateful hearts, the goodness of the Great Legislator
of the Universe ... in the course of His Providence, an opportunity
..and devoutly imploring His direction ...

Michigan 1908, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Michigan, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of freedom ... establish this Constitution

Minnesota 1857, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Minnesota,
grateful to God for our civil and religious liberty, and desiring
to perpetuate its blessings.

Mississippi 1890, Preamble. We, the people of
Mississippi in convention assembled, grateful to Almighty God, and
invoking His blessing on our work.

Missouri 1845, Preamble. We, the people of Missouri, with profound
reverence for the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and grateful for
His goodness ... establish this Constitution

Montana 1889, Preamble. We, the people of Montana, grateful to
Almighty God for the blessings of liberty. establish this Constitution

Nebraska 1875, Preamble. We, the people, grateful to Almighty God
for our freedom .. establish this Constitution .

Nevada 1864, Preamble. We the people of the State of Nevada, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom establish this Constitution...

New Hampshire 1792, Part I. Art. I. Sec. V. Every individual has a
natural and unalienable right to worship God according to the
dictates of his own conscience.

New Jersey 1844, Preamble. We, the people of the State of New Jersey,
grateful to Almighty God for civil and religious liberty which He
hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors

New Mexico 1911, Preamble. We, the People of New Mexico, grateful
to Almighty God for the blessings of liberty ..

New York 1846, Preamble. We, the people of the State of New York, grateful to Almighty God for
our freedom, in order to secure its blessings.

North Carolina 1868, Preamble. We the people of the State of North
Carolina, grateful to Almighty God, the Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for
our civil, political, and religious liberties, and acknowledging
our dependence upon Him for the continuance of those .

North Dakota 1889, Preamble. We, the people of North Dakota,
grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, do ordain...

Ohio 1852, Preamble. We the people of the state of Ohio ,
grateful to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings
and to promote our common ..

Oklahoma 1907, Preamble. Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in
order to secure and perpetuate the blessings of liberty .. establish this ...

Oregon 1857, Bill of Rights, Article I. Section 2. All men shall be
secure in the Natural right, to worship Almighty God according to
the dictates of their consciences..

Pennsylvania 1776, Preamble. We, the people of Pennsylvania, grateful
to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, and humbl invoking His guidance.

Rhode Island 1842, Preamble. We the People of the
State of Rhode Island grateful to Almighty God for the civil and
religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and
looking to Him for a blessing

South Carolina, 1778, Preamble. We, the people of he State of South Carolina,
grateful to God for our liberties, do ordain and establish this Constitution.

South Dakota 1889, Preamble. We, the people of South Dakota, grateful
to Almighty God for our civil! and religious liberties ... establish this

Tennessee 1796, Art. XI.III. That all men have a natural and
indefeasible right to worship Almighty God according to the dictates of their conscience...

Texas 1845, Preamble. We the People of the Republic of Texas,
acknowledging, with gratitude, the grace and beneficence of God.

Utah 1896, Preamble. Grateful to Almighty God for life and liberty,
we establish this Constitution ..

Vermont 1777, Preamble. Whereas all government ought to ... enable
the individuals who compose it to enjoy their natural rights, and other
blessings which the Author of Existence has bestowed on man...

Virginia 1776, Bill of Rights, XVI ... Religion, or the Duty which
we owe our Creator ... can be directed only by Reason .. and that it is
the mutual duty of all to practice Christian Forbearance, Love and
Charity towards each other

Washington 1889, Preamble. We the People of the State of Washington,
grateful! to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do
ordain this Constitution ..

West Virginia 1872, Preamble. Since through Divine Providence we
enjoy the blessings of civil, political and religious liberty, we, the
people of West Virginia .. reaffirm our faith in and constant reliance
upon God...

Wisconsin 1848, Preamble. We, the people of Wisconsin, grateful to
Almighty God for our freedom, domestic tranquility ...

Wyoming 1890, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Wyoming, grateful to God for our civil, political, and religious liberties ... establish this Constitution...

After reviewing acknowledgments of God from all 50 state constitutions,
one is faced with the prospect that maybe, just maybe, the ACLU and
the out-of-control federal courts are wrong!


"Those people who will not be governed by God will be ruled by tyrants."

William Penn

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Service?

From: Fred & Barbara Rogen

To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;

Sent: Saturday, March 20, 2004 11:08 AM


Subject: Service?

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the

meaning of the word "service."

"The act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what
I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned
that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.
SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those
"service" agencies are doing to us.

Be happy

http://www.klub-odgik.org.pl/bajerne/be_happy.swf

Happy April Fool's Day

Here is a great explanation of April 1st that I got from www.care2.com:

For those of you who live in a place where April Fool's Day is not celebrated, you're probably wondering what all this silliness is about... April Fool's Day is indeed a silly day. It is a time when it is perfectly acceptable to play pranks, jokes and surprises on everyone you know.

The origins are a bit unclear, but it seems that the fun may have started in 1582 in France. In that year, King Charles IX decreed that France would switch to the Gregorian calendar, thereby moving "New Year's Day" from March 25 to January 1. Those people that forgot about, or chose to ignore, the date change were sent foolish gifts and invited to imaginary parties. The butt of these jokes was called a "poisson d'avril" or "April Fish".

26 March 2004

Dear friends,

I hear we may hit close to $3.00 a gallon by the summer. Want
gasoline prices to come down? We need to take some intelligent, united
action. Phillip Hollsworth, offered this good idea: This makes MUCH MORE
SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going
around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed at that because
they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy
gas. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for
them. BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that
can really work. Please read it and join with us!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.50 is super
cheap. Me too! It is currently $1.77 for regular unleaded gas in
Fort Myers, FL. We all know that we're being screwed by the oil
companies. Does everyone remember how they drove up the prices way past
a dollar and got the gas prices to where they wanted them, claiming
there was a shortage of oil. Well, there isn't any shortage now, and
the oil is more abundant than it was 35 years.


Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to
think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50- $1.75, we need
to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the
marketplace....not sellers. With the price of gasoline going up more
each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to
see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by
not purchasing their gas! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves.
How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas. But
we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a
price war

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline
from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If
they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their
prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to
follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions
of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't
whimp out on me at this point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple
it is to reach millions of people!!

I am sending this note to at least thirty people. If each of you send it
to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) ... and those 300 send it to at
least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)...and so on, by the time the message
reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE
MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on
to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If
it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION
PEOPLE!!! Again, all You have to do is send this to 10 people. That's
all (If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you
have to do is send this to 10 people... Well, let's face it, you just
aren't a mathematician. But I am .. so trust me on this one.)

How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten
more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could
conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you I didn't
think you and I had that much potential, did you! Acting together we can
make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message
on. PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $1.30 OR LESS
RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK!!!!!!!

24 March 2004

joke

WHO DOES WHATA man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. “Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."Hebrews."

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

What gender is it? If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender.

For example . . .


Ziploc Bags -- Male,
because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Copier -- Female,
because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire -- Male,
because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male,
because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . . .
and, of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges -- Female,
because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web Page -- Female,
because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male,
because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass -- Female,
because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer -- Male,
because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider :
it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY!

Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy!

Keep your paws off other people's jelly beans.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!!!

AN IRISH CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

"Is that you, Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."


Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three months' vacation and five good leads."

What is Old?

"OLD" IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN...
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN...
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN...
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Which Sesame Street Character are you most like

Ever wondered which Muppet character you are most like? Well, a team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of Sesame Street characters, and put the information gathered into this quiz. Answer each question with the answer that most describes you, then add up the points that correspond with your answer. Then send this to all your friends, including the person who sent it to you with your Sesame Street character in the subject line Get a pen and paper because you'll want to keep track of the question number and your answer

1) What describes your perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner for two,
b) Amusement park,
c) Rollerblading In the park,
d) Rock concert, or
e) See a movie

2) What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll,
b) Alternative,
c) Soft Rock,
d) Classical or
e) popular

3) What is your favorite type of movie?
a) Comedy,
b) Horror,
c) Musical,
d) Romance or
e) Documentary

4) Which of the following jobs would you chose if you were given only these choices?
a) Waiter/Waitress,
b) Sports Player,
c)Teacher,
d) Policeman or
e) Bartender

5) Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste?
a) Work out,
b) Read,
c) Watch TV,
d) Listen to the radio or
e)Sleep

6) Of the following colors, which do you like the best?
a) yellow,
b) white,
c) sky blue,
d) teal or
e) red

7) Which one of the following would you like to eat right now?
a) ice cream,
b) pizza,
c) sushi,
d) pasta or
e) salad

8) What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween,
b) Christmas,
c) New Year's,
d) Valentine's Day or
e) Thanksgiving

9) If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be?
a) Paris,
b) Spain,
c) Las Vegas,
d) Hawaii or
e) Hollywood

10) Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?
a) Someone who is smart,
b) Someone with good looks,
c) Someone who is a party animal,
d) Someone who has fun all the time or
e) Someone who is very emotional

Now total up your points and find your character below:

Q 1 ... a=4 b=2 c=5 d=1 e=3
Q 2 ... a=2 b=1 c=4 d=5 e=3
Q 3 ....a=2 b=1 c=3 d=4 e=5
Q 4 ... a=4 b=5 c=3 d=2 e=1
Q 5 ... a=5 b=4 c=2 d=1 e=3
Q 6 ... a=1 b=5 c=3 d=2 e=4
Q 7 ... a=3 b=2 c=1 d=4 e=5
Q 8 ... a=1 b=3 c=2 d=4 e=5
Q 9 ... a=4 b=5 c=1 d=2 e=3
Q 10 .. a=5 b=2 c=1 d=3 e=4

10-17 Points)
You are OSCAR.

You are wild and crazy and you know it. You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don't always see things your way, but that doesn't mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and others.

(18-26 points)
You are ERNIE.

You are fun, friendly, and popular. You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been out on the town your share of times, yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you. Marriage and children are important to you, but only after you have fun. Don't let the people you please influence you to stray.

(27-34 points)
You are ELMO.

You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are witty and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of backstabbers, and you are worry free.

(35-42 points)
You are KERMIT.

You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself. You are serious about all commitments. A family person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing.

(43-50 points)
You are BERT.

You are smart, a real thinker Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it does happen.


22 March 2004

We need to ask questions

There are six individuals who have the power to influence whether President George Bush, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman, General Richard Myers, will publicly testify under oath before the American people to explain why they sat at their desks and in a school classroom, failing to take decisive action on September 11, 2001, until after four planes attacked the United States and killed 3,000 Americans and citizens from many other countries. This, despite knowledge of the hijackings earlier that morning before any of the four planes crashed.

Below you will find contact numbers and questions to initiate weekly communication with those who have the over-sight responsibility, public microphone, and/or power to influence the strength of the 9-11 Commission investigation. These actions may well determine whether those in charge on 9-11 publicly testify under oath and submit to questioning by Commission-assisted and experienced career prosecutors rather than appointed former government bureaucrats and/or legislators. Lawyers with prosecutorial skills prepare intensely for specific areas of interrogation and will be able to elicit truth and facts via questioning technique regarding the 3,000 death mass-murder investigation.

Sporadic public testimony and soft interrogation along with blatant conflicts of interest still exists on the Commission, even as key government officials and other players mostly meet with members in private behind closed doors--away from the scrutiny of the media and the public. The mere fact that Congress has not employed career prosecutors and a grand jury to be involved indicates that it is not serious about real accountability. Moreover, Congress--via its appointed Commission surrogates--may well be providing cover for members of the joint intelligence committee, many of whom also had access to the same pre-attack briefings about "planes used as weapons to be flown into buildings" seen by President Bush, Mr. Rumsfeld and General Myers. And as such, the actions of the three on 9-11 are indefensible once they were told of the hijackings earlier that morning, before any of the four planes had crashed during a period of nearly two hours without any military response from fighter jets able to exceed the speed of sound--jets that were in the air at the time on East Coast training missions on September 11.

Americans and others around the world are concerned that those with the most power to defend America on 9-11 and who failed to act for nearly two hours while planes crashed one by one are not being subpoenaed to testify publicly under oath instead of private conversations--effectively shielding them from American citizens. Such action permits elements of the final report to be adjusted toward political considerations which protects individuals from the kind of accountability that public testimony will undoubtedly engender, since key documents and briefings have not been released to the media even in redacted form. This, unlike President Clinton, who was subpoenaed and questioned by career prosecutors, and who testified publicly under oath prior to his impeachment by the House of Representatives in 1998.

During your contacts, request that Mr. Bush, Mr. Rumsfeld, General Myers and other high government officials be subpoenaed immediately to testify publicly under oath with the assistance of career prosecutors; and ask that Congress and the Commission not accept invocations of presidential immunity or use immunity, which was not afforded to President Clinton.

Starting immediately, we are asking Americans and others around the world who also seek truth and accountability regarding the mysteries of 9-11 to phone, fax and/or email the following six individuals once or twice per week until Mr. Bush, Mr. Rumsfeld, General Myers, Dr. Condoleezza Rice and other top government officials testify publicly under oath and are questioned by career prosecutors like those who interrogated President Clinton.

Fair is fair. Please demand answers to the 23 questions below--provided by the 9-11 Family Steering Committee. If one phone or fax is busy, try the alternative contact numbers provided until you get through to engage staff members with your concerns:



HOUSE SPEAKER J. DENNIS HASTERT

Speaker's Office Phone: 202-225-0600 / Email: dhastert@mail.house.gov
D.C. House Office Phone: 202-225-2976 / Fax: 202-225-0697
Batavia District Office Phone: 630-406-1114 / Fax: 630-406-1808
Dixon Regional Office Phone: 815-288-0680 / Fax: 815-288-0743
Geneseo Regional Office Phone: 309-944-3558



HOUSE MINORITY LEADER NANCY PELOSI

Minority Leader's Office Phone: 202-225-0100 / Email: sf.nancy@mail.house.gov
D.C. House Office Phone: 202-225-4965 / Fax: 202-225-8259
San Francisco District Office Phone: 415-556-4862


SENATE MAJORITY LEADER BILL FRIST

Majority Leader's Office Phone: 202-224-3135
D.C. Senate Office Phone: 202-224-3344 / Fax: 202-228-1264
Nashville District Office Phone: 615-352-9411 / Fax: 615-352-9985
Memphis District Office Phone: 901-683-1910
Knoxville District Office Phone: 865-602-7977
Chattanooga District Office Phone: 423-756-2757
Jackson District Office Phone: 731-424-9655
Kingsport District Office Phone: 423-323-1252


SENATE MINORITY LEADER TOM DASCHLE

Minority Leader's Office Phone: 202-224-5556
D.C. Senate Office Phone: 202-224-2321 / Fax: 202-224-6603
Aberdeen District Office: 605-225-8823
Rapid City District Office: 605-348-7551
Sioux Falls District Office: 605-334-9596


9-11 NATIONAL COMMISSION CHAIRMAN THOMAS H. KEAN

President of Drew University, Thomas H. Kean
Phone: 973/408-3100 / Email: cadm@drew.edu / Fax: 973-408-3068
Fax: 973-408-3242 / Fax: 973-408-3242


DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JOHN F. KERRY

John Kerry for President, Inc.
Campaign Phone: 202-548-6800 / Fax: 202-548-6801 / Email: info@johnkerry.com
D.C. Senate Office Phone: 202-224-2742 / Fax: 202-224-8525
Boston District Office: 617-565-8519
Springfield District Office: 413-785-4610
Worcester District Office: 508-831-7380
Fall River District Office: 508-677-0522


[Use these questions (and any others you may have) during your weekly phone-fax-email contacts]:

QUESTIONS TO BE ANSWERED FROM THE 9-11 FAMILY STEERING COMMITTEE
Before an audience of the American people, the Commission must ask President Bush in sworn testimony, the following questions:

1. As Commander-in-Chief on the morning of 9/11, why didn’t you return immediately to Washington, D.C. or the National Military Command Center once you became aware that America was under attack? At specifically what time did you become aware that America was under attack? Who informed you of this fact?

2. On the morning of 9/11, who was in charge of our country while you were away from the National Military Command Center? Were you informed or consulted about all decisions made in your absence?

3. What defensive action did you personally order to protect our nation during the crisis on September 11th? What time were these orders given, and to whom? What orders were carried out? What was the result of such orders? Were any such orders not carried out?

4. In your opinion, why was our nation so utterly unprepared for an attack on our own soil?

5. U.S. Navy Captain Deborah Loewer, the Director of the White House Situation Room, informed you of the first airliner hitting Tower One of the World Trade Center before you entered the Emma E. Booker Elementary School in Sarasota, Florida. Please explain the reason why you decided to continue with the scheduled classroom visit, fifteen minutes after learning the first hijacked airliner had hit the World Trade Center.

6. Is it normal procedure for the Director of the White House Situation Room to travel with you? If so, please cite any prior examples of when this occurred. If not normal procedure, please explain the circumstances that led to the Director of the White House Situation Room being asked to accompany you to Florida during the week of September 11th.

7. What plan of action caused you to remain seated after Andrew Card informed you that a second airliner had hit the second tower of the World Trade Center and America was clearly under attack? Approximately how long did you remain in the classroom after Card’s message?

8. At what time were you made aware that other planes were hijacked in addition to Flight 11 and Flight 175? Who notified you? What was your course of action as Commander-in-Chief of the United States?

9. Beginning with the transition period between the Clinton administration and your own, and ending on 9/11/01, specifically what information (either verbal or written) about terrorists, possible attacks and targets, did you receive from any source?

This would include briefings or communications from:
a. Out-going Clinton officials
b. CIA, FBI, NSA, DoD and other intelligence agencies
c. Foreign intelligence, governments, dignitaries or envoys
d. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice
e. Richard Clarke, former counterterrorism czar

10. Specifically, what did you learn from the August 6, 2001, PDB about the terrorist threat that was facing our nation? Did you request any follow-up action to take place? Did you request any further report be developed and/or prepared?

11. As Commander-in-Chief, from May 1, 2001 until September 11, 2001, did you receive any information from any intelligence agency official or agent that UBL [bin Laden] was planning to attack this nation on its own soil using airplanes as weapons, targeting New York City landmarks during the week of September 11, 2001 or on the actual day of September 11, 2001?

12. What defensive measures did you take in response to pre-9/11 warnings from eleven nations about a terrorist attack, many of which cited an attack in the continental United States? Did you prepare any directives in response to these actions? If so, with what results?

13. As Commander-in-Chief from May 1, 2001 until September 11, 2001, did you or any agent of the United States government carry out any negotiations or talks with UBL, an agent of UBL, or al-Qaeda? During that same period, did you or any agent of the United States government carry out any negotiations or talks with any foreign government, its agents, or officials regarding UBL? If so, what resulted?

14. Your schedule for September 11, 2001 was in the public domain since September 7, 2001. The Emma E. Booker School is only five miles from the Bradenton Airport, so you, and therefore the children in the classroom, might have been a target for the terrorists on 9/11. What was the intention of the Secret Service in allowing you to remain in the Emma E. Booker Elementary School, even though they were aware America was under attack?

15. Please explain why you remained at the Sarasota, Florida, Elementary School for a press conference after you had finished listening to the children read, when as a terrorist target, your presence potentially jeopardized the lives of the children?

16. What was the purpose of the several stops of Air Force One on September 11th? Was Air Force One at any time during the day of September 11th a target of the terrorists? Was Air Force One’s code ever breached on September 11th?

17. Was there a reason for Air Force One lifting off without a military escort, even after ample time had elapsed to allow military jets to arrive?

18. What prompted your refusal to release the information regarding foreign sponsorship of the terrorists, as illustrated in the inaccessible 28 redacted pages in the Joint Intelligence Committee Inquiry Report? What actions have you personally taken since 9/11 to thwart foreign sponsorship of terrorism?

19. Who approved the flight of the bin Laden family out of the United States when all commercial flights were grounded, when there was time for only minimal questioning by the FBI, and especially, when two of those same individuals had links to WAMY, a charity suspected of funding terrorism? Why were bin Laden family members granted that special privilege--a privilege not available to American families whose loved ones were killed on 9/11?

20. Please explain why no one in any level of our government has yet been held accountable for the countless failures leading up to and on 9/11?

21. Please comment on the fact that UBL’s profile on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted Fugitives poster does not include the 9/11 attacks. To your knowledge, when was the last time any agent of our government had contact with UBL? If prior to 9/11, specifically what was the date of that contact and what was the context of said meeting.

22. Do you continue to maintain that Saddam Hussein was linked to al Qaeda? What proof do you have of any connection between al-Qaeda and the Hussein regime?

23. Which individuals, governments, agencies, institutions, or groups may have benefited from the attacks of 9/11? Please state specifically how you think they have benefited.

The Family Steering Committee for the 9/11 Independent Commission

http://www.911independentcommission.org/

21 March 2004

An Attorney's Advice ...and it's free!

Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday. Maybe we should all take some of his advice!
A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company:

The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them.
If someone takes your check book they will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first name but your bank will know how you sign your checks.

When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won't have access to it.

Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box, use that instead of your home address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks (DUH!) you can add it if it is necessary. But if you have it printed, anyone can get it.

Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad.

We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards, etc. Unfortunately I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more.

But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:

We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily.

File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never even thought to do this). Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done.

There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.

The numbers are:
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285;
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742;
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289;
Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271.

Happy Anti-Racism Day & Happy Mother's Day in the U.K.

I got this off of the care2.com sight:

March 21

In 1996, the General Assembly of the United Nations proclaimed March 21 to be the International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination (Resolution: 2142), and called upon world leaders to increase efforts to eliminate all forms of racial intolerance and discrimination. The day was chosen to remember the deaths of nearly seventy people, killed by police during a peaceful demonstration against apartheid, in Sharpeville, South Africa in 1960, and has been used as a rallying cry by anti-racist organizations worldwide.
Three decades after the events in Sharpeville, the UN has organized the World Conference against Racism, Racial Discrimination, Xenophobia and Related Intolerance (WCAR), in order to focus on practical steps to eradicate racism and how to ensure that international standards and instruments are applied in efforts to combat it, and to make further recommendations for future action against bias and intolerance. The UN slogan for the World Conference is "United to Combat Racism: Equality, Dignity, Justice".

Questions to get to know each other

It's sooooo EASY.....and try not to spoil the fun! Just give in.
Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it into a new e-mail that
you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send
this to a whole bunch of people you know *INCLUDING* the person who sent it
to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about
your friends.


1. What is your Full Name?


2. What Color pants are you wearing now?


3. What are you listening to right now:


4. Favorite place to live?


5. What was the last thing you ate?


6. Do you go to class reunions?


7. How is the weather right now?


8. Last person you talked to on the phone:


9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex:


10. Do you like the person who sent this to you?


11. How are you today?


12 Favorite Beverage:


13. Favorite Alcoholic drink:

.

14.Play an instrument?:


15. Who's wedding you went to last....... who's is next?


16. Eye Color:



17. Siblings:


18. Favorite Month:


19. Last Movie you watched:


20. What inspires you?


21. Married, Single, Dating, Looking?


22. Summer or winter:


23. Hugs or Kisses:


24. Chocolate or Vanilla:


25. Do you want your friends to write back?


26.Who is most likely to respond?


27. Who is least likely to respond?


28. Living Arrangements:


29. What books are you reading?


30. What's on your mouse pad?


31. What did you do last night?


32. Favorite Smells:


33. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?


34. Popcorn?


35. When is your birthday?:



36. Favorite Movie:


37. Favorite Cookie:


38. Pets


39. What is more important, strong mind, or strong body?


40. Believe in ghosts?


41. What time do you wake up?


42. Do you send this on because you enjoy them
or just be there for the person who sent it.

18 March 2004

The Kite

A man is in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He keeps throwing it into the air, where the wind catches it for a few seconds before it comes crashing back down.

Watching him from the kitchen window, his wife mutters how men have to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells, "You need more tail."

He shouts back, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

17 March 2004

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!!!

Here is an explanation of Saint Patrick's Day that I copied off of http://www.care2.com:

History
St. Patrick's Day, celebrated every year on March 17, is a holiday honoring Saint Patrick, the missionary credited with converting the Irish to Christianity in the A.D. 400s. Saint Patrick's real name was Maewyn Succat. For his first 16 years, Maewyn lived a normal life as the son of a wealthy landowner and magistrate in Britain.

At 16, Maewyn was captured and sold into slavery by a group of pirates who raided his village. After six years of herding sheep, Maewyn escaped, went to France and became a priest, adopting the name Patrick.

During his training, Patrick discovered that his calling was to convert Irish pagans to Christianity. He returned to Ireland, established monasteries across the country, set up schools and churches, and converted many with his winning personality. Patrick carried on a very successful mission for thirty years. When he died on March 17, that day was commemorated as St. Patrick's Day.

Originally a Catholic holy day, St. Patrick's Day has evolved into more of a secular holiday. In America, in fact, St. Patrick's Day is basically a time when everyone becomes Irish, wears green and goes out to party.

Fun Facts

Did you know...

That green is associated with St. Patrick's Day because it's the color of spring?

That the shamrock is a traditional symbol because Saint Patrick used the three-leafed shamrock to represent how the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit could exist as separate elements in the same entity?

That the first St. Patrick's Day in America was celebrated in Boston in 1737?

That the following things on St. Patrick's Day will bring you good luck? Finding a four-leaf clover, wearing green, kissing the Blarney Stone...

Joke about George W. Bush

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is struck by a large wheel of cheese that had fallen out the cargo door of SwissAir, flight 119. Sadly, George does not make it. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see Republicans around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. There is a Texas-style barbecue
featuring cloned cattle and genetically engineered corn.

Standing in the crowd are his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy, casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of tree huggers and liberals. They play a friendly game of golf, then eat cheesecake made from genetically engineered milk.

The devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and says, "Have a BGH milkshake and relax, Dubya!" "Uh, I'm watching my weight," says George, sadly.

"This is hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from here!" says Satan.

Dubya takes the shake and finds himself liking the devil, who is a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured animal rights activists and anti-milk folk, people who enjoy each other's company, talking about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a prank or frat-boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the broccoli and tofu tastes great, it's not steak. It's organic soymilk shakes and veggie burgers. And these people are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!

Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and a day in heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this--I mean, heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors of the elevator open, and he finds himself in the middle of barren, scorched earth covered with leaking 55-gallon drums of Roundup-Ready herbicides, garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of
like Gary, Indiana.

He is horrified to see all of his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the industrial waste with teaspoons, and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with open sores, boils, and sooty grime. Then Lucifer comes over to Bush and puts an arm around his shoulder.

I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate a Texas barbecue. The cloned animals were tasty. We had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody seems miserable!"

The devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

16 March 2004

An Irish Rainbow Of Blessings


Red is for love of those we hold dear
Our kith and kin, both far and near.

Orange is for Irish wit and mirth
and the cleverest jokes o'er all the earth.

Yellow is for joy in simple pleasures
The heart's delights, the spirit's treasures.

Green stands for Erin, the shamrock land
It's customs and heritage, glorious and grand.

Violet's for heroes throughout history
The noble patriots of our history.

Blue is for loyalty to family and friends
and to the Lord, whose love never ends.

May God shower you with Rainbow Blessings
and grant you many, many years!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

15 March 2004

Be aware of this new scheme

Imagine:
You walk across the parking lot, unlock your car and get inside.
Then you lock all your doors, start the engine and shift into REVERSE.
Habit! You look into the rear-view window to back out of your parking space and you notice a piece of paper, some sort of advertisement stuck to your rear window. So, you shift into PARK, unlock your doors and jump out of your vehicle to remove that paper (or whatever it is) that is obstructing your view. When you reach the back of your car, that is when the car-jackers jump out of no where ... jump into your car and take off -- your engine was running, your purse is in the
car, and they practically mow you down as they speed off in your car.

BE AWARE OF THIS NEW SCHEME. Just drive away and remove the paper that is stuck to your window later.

14 March 2004

Ordering a Pizza in 2008

Something to think about...

Ordering a Pizza in 2008

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."

Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net; which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."

Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"

Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it."

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family sized ones, then."

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also."

Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a Motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"

Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for! a free 2 liter of Coke."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"



07 March 2004

TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE

I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night."
Age 5

I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7

I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12

I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14

I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15

I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24

I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26

I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29

I learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42

I learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44

I learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46

I learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48

I learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49

I learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50

I learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51

I learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52

I learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58

I learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61

I learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62

I learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64

I learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65

I learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66

I learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72

I learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82

I learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90

I learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

Gates

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word ?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.

04 March 2004

Questions from Elayne

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup
is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many
pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then
what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your
clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't
all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who
really is the dumber sex?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

Why shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense
in two people remembering the same things right?

My Forgetter

I can so relate to this that Elayne emailed me:

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Often times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.